We Wish You an Empowered Holiday Season

A big part of what makes the holidays wonderful is the focus on togetherness, giving, and a spirit of cheer. (Also, cookies.) And while we value all these things, we have to stress an important distinction: Doing for others does not mean forsaking your own emotional or physical safety, well-being, or personal boundaries.

It’s happened to all of us at one time or another. We’ve suffered through gatherings that left us feeling like we’ve just done battle. We’ve endured unwanted affection, probing questions, and snide comments for the sake of keeping peace or feigning cheer. 

Not only do we come away from these encounters feeling bad but forcing ourselves into these situations isn’t healthy—it increases our stress, kills our self-esteem, and reinforces to the offenders that they can treat us any way they’d like, no matter how disrespectful or demeaning. It’s important to give ourselves permission to say what we need and what we don’t want, even—and perhaps especially—during the holidays. And if someone in our lives doesn’t respect our boundaries and gets angry at us for maintaining them, that’s their issue, not ours.

We put together this list of positive reminders to fortify you during the coming weeks. Print it out and hang it somewhere in your space if it helps. Repeat these things to yourself each day. And please know that whatever the holidays hold, we’re in your corner. (Reach out to us or to someone else you trust if you need to talk. We know this time of year can be tough.)

DURING THE HOLIDAYS, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO

• Kindly say no to invitations. Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t love the person or appreciate the invitation, and you can say as much. But you don’t have to go.

• Set firm boundaries about how long you will stay at gatherings. Popping in for a half hour or hour is fine if that’s what you want; just because you visit doesn’t mean you are committing to an eight-hour marathon.

• Refuse to answer inappropriate questions. Here’s a firm but respectful script you can use if you’d like: “Wow, [ Person ]. That question feels really personal/disrespectful/mean-spirited, and I don’t appreciate it. Please don’t ask me again.”

• Leave when you want to . As soon as you want to. Without an excuse.

• Create your own traditions by yourself or with people you love. Sometimes family is the people whom you choose to be with.

• Choose to do the things that bring YOU happiness . This time of year is also about peace and joy—that means for you too.

• Ask your inner child what he/she/they want this year and then do it. If your holiday trauma has deep roots, give Little You the holiday they have always deserved.

THE CHILDREN IN YOUR LIFE HAVE A RIGHT TO

• Depend on you to protect their boundaries . They’re pretty much at the mercy of the adults around them, so please, have mercy on their little bodies and emotions. The example you set for them now will carry through their lives. Sacrificing their feelings for the sake of others’ communicates that their voices don’t matter.

• Refuse to sit on a stranger’s lap to get a picture they don’t care about for the sake of “memories.” Mall santas have kind of always been creepy. Is a kid frightened and in tears really the moment you want to preserve?

• Decide they don’t want to hug or kiss family or friends they hardly see just because it will appear “rude” if they don’t. Their little bodies are sacred and their feelings matter. When you notice a child resisting affection, you can simply say something to the adult like, “[ Name ] doesn’t feel like a hug right now.”

• Skip some of the many gatherings because their sleep or feeding schedule is important. They’re also allowed to opt out because they’re overstimulated. As a parent or caregiver, it’s your responsibility to recognize this and protect them. There will be more holidays next year.

This year has been one where we’ve had to make sacrifices and limit our lives and movements for the sake of safety. As an antidote to that, let’s “live large” this holiday season—and every season after this—to reaffirm that each of us is worthy of taking up space, having a voice, and enjoying an empowered holiday.

You matter. Your voice matters. You’re worth fighting for. 

—Lauren & Lindsey

Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels