A Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Abuse Me

To the men who are constant reminders that abusers are just that, abusers. There are good men in this world. 

I could write this entire blog post to the men who have done critical damage to me in my life.  But I will not let them have that power. 

First to my husband, who has literally seen me at my worst. I have been my ugliest self to you and you love through that filth. Quoting my vows, because they are just as relevant now as they were then: "Every day you make it a priority to build me up. Every day you changed my mind that a man can be faithful and love without conditions. You have never made me question if I was worthy of your love. You support my dreams and passions no matter how many times I've changed my mind."

To my father-in-law: You once tried to tell me how to fix my car and I snapped at you. At the time, I didn't understand that's what being a dad is about; you weren't trying to make me feel small or incapable. All the dad advice. You are the “world's greatest dad,” like the mug says. Hearing stories from your son about you two working on cars and building things together just proves my point. You talk about your kids like they are the greatest things this world produced. The 8-year-old little girl inside of me longs for that. You are such a fantastic example of what a father is supposed to be, an example I so desperately needed.  You are a man of few words, but they are all the right ones. 

To my coach: I walked into the gym last week and you came over to show me something you were so proud of. You had painted your ring fingernail purple to support Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And you said, "I don't support choking women unless they slap-bump first."**

No one told you to do that. You are a tatted BJJ coach with a mohawk, who spends most of his time putting ripped bros in high-low chokes. But you painted your nail. To support women—no, to support me.  I pay you to teach me jiu-jitsu; all you have to do is show up and teach. But you don't. You go above and beyond. You make sure to reiterate every day that I am strong and capable of using my body to defend myself. Like a brother, you notice the bad days—without any ulterior motives, you notice. Every time I step on that mat, you respect me like a human and you make me believe that I matter. 

You all owe me nothing, yet you continue to pick up the pieces.

Thank you for being beautiful beams of light in such a dark world.

—Lindsey Ross

**A slap-bump is how training partners in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu communicate to each other that they are ready to spar. It’s a sign of mutual respect and consent.

Photo by  Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas  from  Pexels