Blog - Thrive Empowerment Center

The Strength of the Body–Mind Connection in Empowerment Self-Defense

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 14:57:00 GMT

Three quotes hang on a brick wall in our Center, and one of them reads: “The body cannot go where the mind has not gone first.” I’ve spent a lot of time looking at this poster and thinking about what it means and if I still think it’s true. I do. Mostly.

It makes sense that if you can’t imagine or envision a change for yourself, it’s impossible to take the steps to bring that change into being. If we won’t even allow ourselves to dare, to dream, to design, how can we make? I find this idea incredibly powerful; just imagining is a radical act of creation. Imagining a better job, a more fulfilling relationship, a healthier attitude toward yourself—this is the first step to creating that better reality.

But the mind can also get stuck in negative, unhealthy patterns, and for many of us, imagining is immediately followed by messages like Nice thought, but that’s impossible for me. I’m too weak/scared/stupid/fat/awkward/clumsy/ugly/[insert whatever other horrible thing we say to ourselves] for that better life.

The revelation for me has been that, in some contexts, we can un-stick our minds using the opposite strategy: the mind cannot go where the body has not gone first. Oversimplified, this is the wisdom of “Just do it.” Sometimes not overthinking things and simply putting your trust in your body—for example, continuing to show up to a new class even though you’re terrified—can silence the noise in your head that tells you you’ll never be good enough.

Seeing both these phenomena at work in our Empowerment Self-Defense (ESD) classes has given me new reverence for the connection between our minds and our bodies. In fact, I believe that understanding and using this connection for personal growth is one of the things that makes ESD so vital to both violence prevention and trauma recovery.

When the Body Follows the Mind

I started my martial arts training a little over seven years ago because I was tired of being terrified that I couldn’t protect my children in the event of an emergency. I was nauseated before each class, but I knew I had to go because the idea of failing my kids was scarier to me than the training itself. But every moment of those first months, I was the deer facing down the semitruck, because it had been a very long time since I had any faith in my physical ability .

I have always loved music, so I created a playlist that I listened to on the drive to class: all female punk/indie rock bands, sending me messages that embraced and celebrated power: rebellion, independence, ferocity, strength, sexuality. I began treasuring those 25 minutes in which I imagined my voice to be the defiant shrieks of Karen O or Kathleen Hanna or Louise Post. I carried those voices with me onto the mat. And I kept showing up—a little more self-assured each week.

Very early in all our ESD workshops at Thrive, we talk about how attitude is critical to self-defense: you must believe that you are worth fighting for in order to fight—whether that “fight” is setting a boundary with a loved one or sending a swift palm heel strike to an aggressor’s face. Participants’ voices can be soft and tentative the first time we invite them to say, out loud, “I am worth fighting for.” But each time they repeat the affirmation throughout the class, those voices get stronger.

Other affirmations, delivered as a call-and-response, become the refrain to our group activities: I matter. My voice matters. I am important. My body is mine. In this way, our minds command our voices to express self-worth, and as our voices make those sounds, they literally resonate through our chests, throats, and around the room. And as we hear other participants say the words, too, the collective sound is strong and true. If we all matter, then I must matter too. Affirmations are like warming up a car engine: motion comes so much more easily and smoothly when we take the time to do them.

When the Mind Follows the Body

If affirmations warm up the car engine, striking a pad is like slamming your foot down on the gas.

It’s hard to express in words the look on a woman’s face after the first time she hits a pad. The satisfying and resounding pop that comes from the impact sounds powerful and feels powerful. It’s impossible to deny her capability after hearing that sound and feeling the force move through her own body. This is the best kind of “shock and awe”: She didn’t believe she could, but she did it. No one else helped. She did it. And, maybe for the first time in her life, she knows it.

And so the next time she steps up to strike, she does it with a bit more certainty. And before long, she’s smashing that little black vinyl pad like she never had a doubt.

Following your body can be effective in situations where thinking too much leads to fear. I used this technique in my own martial arts training when I started Brazilian jiu-jitsu, a grappling art. More often than not, I am the only woman in the daytime class at my gym, and so in those early months, when my coach yelled, “OK, grab a partner,” my only options were men—unfamiliar, bigger, stronger, more experienced. Yikes.

The trick I used was to just run to the first guy I saw: don’t think, don’t even really look, just go . “Hi, I’m Lauren, will you be my partner?” They always said yes, they were always kind and patient (thanks for the fantastic mat culture, Coach), and even when I spent the whole sparring session with my back against the mat getting the air smashed out of me, when it was over, I was elated. I did it. All by myself. I was brave. Nothing terrible happened. I tried and I learned.

In those moments, stopping to think or to evaluate each possible partner would have led to the paralysis of self-doubt. So I just didn’t give those thoughts space to take hold. My body kept leading me until my mind believed I was safe and accepted.

At this point, I felt like I’d found the secret sauce of empowerment: I trusted my mind to lead me sometimes, and I trusted my body to lead me at other times. Before long, the hard lines between them blurred so much that I finally felt truly present in my training: Mind? Here! Body? Here!

I finally felt safe and whole. And proud of myself.

Using the Mind–Body Connection for Safety and Healing

Safe and whole. That’s the goal we wish for every person who walks onto our mat at Thrive. And we understand that we need to support their entire person if we ever hope to help them achieve that.

Here are several ways Empowerment Self-Defense is different from “traditional” self-defense and works to cultivate and reinforce the mind–body connection:

We spend just as much time addressing cultural, mental, and emotional barriers to safety as we do striking and kicking pads.
We explicitly acknowledge that there are survivors present in every group and affirm the survival strategies they used to bring them to that moment.
We share stories and invite discussion, using the experiences participants relate to build practice scenarios and other connections to the material we’re learning.
Each high-level concept, such as boundary setting , consent , or adrenaline management , is paired with an activity so that action follows idea (or vice versa).
When practicing physical techniques, we invite participants to start slowly—going through the motions at a pace that feels comfortable and increasing power and speed only as they feel ready.
Physical skills lessons are delivered using all four learning styles: visual (watching the demonstration), auditory (listening to us talk through the moves), kinesthetic (practicing the skills themselves), and written (making notes in a notebook).

It’s our intention that these practices allow participants to connect with the material and (re)connect with their own mental and physical selves in whatever way suits them best. Our work is all about providing tools—not telling people what they should do or feel or think. Prioritizing personal agency in a supportive community, ESD bolsters safety and wholeness.

Facing Fear: A Survivor's Breakthrough Poem

Tue, 31 Aug 2021 18:30:00 GMT

CONTENT WARNING: Physical abuse

This poem was written by Thrive co-founder Lindsey Ross during our weekly Writing Reconnection group.

I pride myself on not being scared of anything.

He would kneel on me until I could hear my collar bones and ribs snap under him. Sinking deeper. Forcing my body hard into the ground beneath. My body I no longer owned. The body I stopped owning years ago.

He would hold my head still while he would yell into my “Stupid Broken Ears.”

I pride myself on not being scared of anything.

He would leave me in stores when I took too long looking at tangible things that brought me little sparks of joy. He would drive away no matter where we were.

I got great at walking.

I pride myself on not being scared of anything.

He would drag me across our spotless, perfect home. Not home. Cage of nightmares. By my perfect, long dark hair.

He would put bags over my head just to see me struggle. Sometimes they would smell like the stores he’d leave me at that bring me little sparks of joy.

I pride myself on not being scared of anything.

I’m not scared of anything.

I’m not scared.

I won’t be scared of anything.

—Lindsey

5 Self-Defense Lessons Every Child Should Know (and How We Teach Them)

Fri, 09 Jul 2021 17:22:00 GMT

When we began our journey as Empowerment Self-Defense instructors, we envisioned classes of adult women, sharing their life experiences and hitting pads with all their might. We threw ourselves into research on domestic violence, campus assaults, and trauma psychology—doing our best to ready ourselves for whatever experiences the women in our workshops might have had. But just a few classes into teaching, we got a call we didn’t expect: Can Thrive go into an elementary school and teach self-defense to children whose neighborhood has seen a spike in attempted abductions?

Yes, we’d love to, we answered. These kids needed help—and fast—so we dove back into our research and curriculum to adapt what we taught for younger audiences. Drawing from Lindsey’s years of experience as director of a summer camp and weekly programming for at-risk kids and my experience as a mom, we created games and activities that would get little bodies moving and having fun, and learning while doing it.

When we go into a school or community program, these are the key concepts we introduce and then continually reinforce through different games and activities.

1. You matter and your voice matters. Just as with adult ESD, attitude—knowing you’re worth fighting for—is a foundational idea that cannot be overlooked. Many of our activities focus on getting kids to talk about what makes them strong, what they like about themselves, and why they’re important. From signature dance moves to “power shouts” we celebrate kids’ individuality and reinforce their self-worth.

2. Listen to your intuition. While most elementary schoolers have never heard the term intuition , they know what an uh-oh feeling is like—it’s that house on the block that you don’t want to trick or treat at, or the one with the big dog that you run past at top speed. We open discussions about what that feeling is like, where they feel it in their bodies, and what they can do when they feel it. We stress that that feeling is always right—it’s there to protect them—and when they feel it, they should talk about it with someone they trust.

3. Your body belongs to you. This is the foundation for kids developing body autonomy and understanding consent. It’s OK to not want to give or receive hugs all the time, for example, and we practice polite but firm ways to tell well-meaning (or not) adults that they don’t want touch. We use a game akin to “Rock, Paper, Scissors” called “Wave, Handshake, Hug” to begin to understand consent. Borrowing language from our friends at KidPower International, we also distinguish that some touch that is not a choice—such as doctor visits or caregivers helping with bathing or toileting—but those instances should then not be a secret. If touch ever doesn’t feel right, a child should tell another adult.

4. Pick your chief grownup(s) and don’t keep secrets from them. We’ve designed a fun art activity called the “Donut of Trust” to help kids identify who their safe or “chief” grownup is—this is the person or few select people that love and take care of them and that they feel they can go to if they’re hurt or afraid. If they don’t listen, keep telling until you find a grownup who listens.

5. There are no rules in physical self-defense. If a child is in a situation where they feel afraid for their safety or life, we let them know that they are allowed to do anything they need to get away to safety. Scratching, biting, hair pulling, screaming in public—remember all those things you got in trouble for doing to your siblings or cousins when you were a kid? Now is the time that it’s OK to do them.

These lessons are basic but so critical for kids’ independence. There’s absolutely no reason to scare children into being safe (and I’m pretty sure I still have nightmares from my 1980s ChildWatch school visit); rather, focusing on their self-esteem and the power they have to notice situations and communicate about them is a far more empowering approach. They still have fun kicking pads, of course. But if, by the end of the session, we’ve gotten them to talk to their chief grownup, pay attention to the sensations in their bodies, or speak up for their feelings, we’ve made a positive impact.

—Lauren

Letter to a Survivor

Wed, 16 Jun 2021 14:14:00 GMT

Dear Survivor,

At the beginning of each of our classes, we address the circle, looking for you so we can tell you: Whatever you have been through, whatever you had to do to get here today, please know that you did your very best.

We can make eye contact with you and try to address that message to your very soul. We know right now you probably don’t believe it. Though your face is expressionless, you are probably thinking, You don’t know what I did. You don’t know what I let happen. You don’t know my story.

And you’re right—we don’t know those things unless you share them with us. And even then, your exact shoes are ones we’ll never walk in.

But there are a few things we do know: You are here today, which means you are smart and resilient and have at least a tiny spark of self-love—enough to want to protect yourself, enough to want to confront or cope with what’s happened, enough to want to heal yourself.

Survival is our most fundamental instinct. Like breathing or eating, when this work needs done, our bodies take over regardless of what our minds may want. Maybe you fought back with your words or body but couldn’t stop the assault. Maybe you froze or disconnected your brain and body to get through those terrible moments. Maybe you lied to yourself and others, or stole, betrayed, or burned bridges with loved ones to hide from your abuser or to keep their wrath at bay. Maybe you endured some type of violence to try to prevent another, worse type. Maybe your abuser forced you to say you wanted the abuse or deserved the abuse; maybe they forced you to tell your friends and family that you didn’t want them in your life anymore. Any of these things—or others—may fill you with guilt, shame, hurt, or rage now. But in the moment of those actions, your survival instinct was in charge. Just keep me alive. Nothing else matters if I don’t survive this day.

And although assault may make you feel isolated in a hundred different ways, we can promise you that you are not alone. We cannot return you to a time when this horrible thing didn’t happen to you and we cannot promise you that one day you’ll feel no pain, but we can offer you the space and support to name those things you thought you’d never be able to say out loud and begin to loosen their hold on your mind and heart. We can teach you things that will remind you how strong and capable you are. We can welcome you into our community if you feel ready for that.

We may not understand, but we’ll never stop listening to you, because you matter.

—Lauren & Lindsey

Dancing Every Day

Mon, 18 Jan 2021 20:11:00 GMT

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. It’s not my style. I believe you’re just setting yourself up for failure and self-hatred. I don’t want to give things up, or tell myself no. I felt very strongly about this until this year. Twenty twenty was a garbage year for everyone, but I’m sure my negative perspective didn’t help. This year has to be different. It just has to be, right?

Recently a friend start doing Instagram Lives where she dances for 30 minutes every morning. She challenged all of us to do the same. Now, I am not flowy like she is. I don’t send waves of empowerment through the moves of my body like she does. Thirty minutes is an entire TV show, so that is a no go. But I accepted the challenge. Not 30 minutes, but I was going to start my morning dancing. Every morning. I also challenged myself to dance when I’m frustrated or overly emotionally stimulated.

I punch and kick things; I don’t dance. I’m not a graceful person. I’m not a gentle person. Dancing’s not my thing.

But I’ve done it. For 17 days now I have danced. I dance fast, or I dance slow. I feel stupid a lot, until it goes away and I just find myself in the dance. I can only compare it to runner’s high or great sex. I dance. And I love it. I dance in my kitchen; I dance in my office. I turn the world off and dance. I have learned dancing is contagious. My very-grumpy-hates-mornings husband has now joined me dancing in the mornings. It’s incredible. This little challenge has quickly became solid important memories I get to cherish.

So this is my challenge to you. Dance. Let your perspective change for just a moment. Live in that moment and cherish the simplicity of moving your body in the world.

—Lindsey

We Wish You an Empowered Holiday Season

Thu, 26 Nov 2020 21:38:00 GMT

A big part of what makes the holidays wonderful is the focus on togetherness, giving, and a spirit of cheer. (Also, cookies.) And while we value all these things, we have to stress an important distinction: Doing for others does not mean forsaking your own emotional or physical safety, well-being, or personal boundaries.

It’s happened to all of us at one time or another. We’ve suffered through gatherings that left us feeling like we’ve just done battle. We’ve endured unwanted affection, probing questions, and snide comments for the sake of keeping peace or feigning cheer.

Not only do we come away from these encounters feeling bad but forcing ourselves into these situations isn’t healthy—it increases our stress, kills our self-esteem, and reinforces to the offenders that they can treat us any way they’d like, no matter how disrespectful or demeaning. It’s important to give ourselves permission to say what we need and what we don’t want, even—and perhaps especially—during the holidays. And if someone in our lives doesn’t respect our boundaries and gets angry at us for maintaining them, that’s their issue, not ours.

We put together this list of positive reminders to fortify you during the coming weeks. Print it out and hang it somewhere in your space if it helps. Repeat these things to yourself each day. And please know that whatever the holidays hold, we’re in your corner. (Reach out to us or to someone else you trust if you need to talk. We know this time of year can be tough.)

DURING THE HOLIDAYS, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO

Kindly say no to invitations. Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t love the person or appreciate the invitation, and you can say as much. But you don’t have to go.
Set firm boundaries about how long you will stay at gatherings. Popping in for a half hour or hour is fine if that’s what you want; just because you visit doesn’t mean you are committing to an eight-hour marathon.
Refuse to answer inappropriate questions. Here’s a firm but respectful script you can use if you’d like: “Wow, [ Person ]. That question feels really personal/disrespectful/mean-spirited, and I don’t appreciate it. Please don’t ask me again.”
Leave when you want to . As soon as you want to. Without an excuse.
Create your own traditions by yourself or with people you love. Sometimes family is the people whom you choose to be with.
Choose to do the things that bring YOU happiness . This time of year is also about peace and joy—that means for you too.
Ask your inner child what he/she/they want this year and then do it. If your holiday trauma has deep roots, give Little You the holiday they have always deserved.

THE CHILDREN IN YOUR LIFE HAVE A RIGHT TO

Depend on you to protect their boundaries . They’re pretty much at the mercy of the adults around them, so please, have mercy on their little bodies and emotions. The example you set for them now will carry through their lives. Sacrificing their feelings for the sake of others’ communicates that their voices don’t matter.
Refuse to sit on a stranger’s lap to get a picture they don’t care about for the sake of “memories.” Mall santas have kind of always been creepy. Is a kid frightened and in tears really the moment you want to preserve?
Decide they don’t want to hug or kiss family or friends they hardly see just because it will appear “rude” if they don’t. Their little bodies are sacred and their feelings matter. When you notice a child resisting affection, you can simply say something to the adult like, “[ Name ] doesn’t feel like a hug right now.”
Skip some of the many gatherings because their sleep or feeding schedule is important. They’re also allowed to opt out because they’re overstimulated. As a parent or caregiver, it’s your responsibility to recognize this and protect them. There will be more holidays next year.

This year has been one where we’ve had to make sacrifices and limit our lives and movements for the sake of safety. As an antidote to that, let’s “live large” this holiday season—and every season after this—to reaffirm that each of us is worthy of taking up space, having a voice, and enjoying an empowered holiday.

You matter. Your voice matters. You’re worth fighting for.

—Lauren & Lindsey

Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels

A Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Abuse Me

Wed, 14 Oct 2020 14:05:00 GMT

To the men who are constant reminders that abusers are just that, abusers. There are good men in this world.

I could write this entire blog post to the men who have done critical damage to me in my life. But I will not let them have that power.

First to my husband, who has literally seen me at my worst. I have been my ugliest self to you and you love through that filth. Quoting my vows, because they are just as relevant now as they were then: "Every day you make it a priority to build me up. Every day you changed my mind that a man can be faithful and love without conditions. You have never made me question if I was worthy of your love. You support my dreams and passions no matter how many times I've changed my mind."

To my father-in-law: You once tried to tell me how to fix my car and I snapped at you. At the time, I didn't understand that's what being a dad is about; you weren't trying to make me feel small or incapable. All the dad advice. You are the “world's greatest dad,” like the mug says. Hearing stories from your son about you two working on cars and building things together just proves my point. You talk about your kids like they are the greatest things this world produced. The 8-year-old little girl inside of me longs for that. You are such a fantastic example of what a father is supposed to be, an example I so desperately needed. You are a man of few words, but they are all the right ones.

To my coach: I walked into the gym last week and you came over to show me something you were so proud of. You had painted your ring fingernail purple to support Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And you said, "I don't support choking women unless they slap-bump first."**

No one told you to do that. You are a tatted BJJ coach with a mohawk, who spends most of his time putting ripped bros in high-low chokes. But you painted your nail. To support women—no, to support me . I pay you to teach me jiu-jitsu; all you have to do is show up and teach. But you don't. You go above and beyond. You make sure to reiterate every day that I am strong and capable of using my body to defend myself. Like a brother, you notice the bad days—without any ulterior motives, you notice. Every time I step on that mat, you respect me like a human and you make me believe that I matter.

You all owe me nothing, yet you continue to pick up the pieces.

Thank you for being beautiful beams of light in such a dark world.

—Lindsey Ross

**A slap-bump is how training partners in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu communicate to each other that they are ready to spar. It’s a sign of mutual respect and consent.

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas from Pexels

Staying Safe in the Campus Red Zone

Thu, 03 Sep 2020 23:58:00 GMT

Although working to prevent violence is a year-round job, there are three points during the year where our work feels especially urgent: April (Sexual Assault Awareness Month), October (Domestic Violence Awareness Month), and the start of a new university school year.

In other words, right now.

The number of sexual assaults on campus spike during the period between the first day of school and Thanksgiving break—so significantly, in fact, that they’ve been labeled “the red zone.” According to RAINN , more than 50% of assaults happen during this period of time, mostly between midnight and 6 a.m. on weekends. And though we’ve all been warned about “stranger danger,” the truth is that 90% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows . As we tell the young women who come to our Campus Ready classes, it’s of course important to be situationally aware as you’re walking alone across campus or through your neighborhood, but the most dangerous situations are typically dates and parties. (Alcohol lowers the inhibitions of predators, makes it more difficult for women to read warning signs and physically defend themselves, and is a convenient vehicle for blackout drugs like rohypnol.)

While this data can feel very scary, young women aren’t helpless. There’s much we can do to move through campus more confidently and safely.

1. Knowing is half the battle. Just educating yourself and having frank conversations—with your teens if you’re a parent, and your friends if you’re a college student—increases campus safety. We can’t defend against things we don’t know about, but simple awareness can help students recognize warning signs faster and make more confident decisions about when to leave a party or end a date.

2. Identify your campus resources. The day you step foot on a new campus, make time to visit the campus safety and security office. Ask the staff what safety measures the university has put in place, for example:

a. Are there campus shuttles ? Where are the stops and what are the days and hours of operation?

b. Is there a school safety app you can download? Are there emergency phones or call boxes? Can the staff provide a map of their locations on campus?

c. Is there a counseling center on campus? Does it have a 24-hour helpline?

d. Do they employ an assault advocate ?

3. Team up with your friends and roommates. When I was a freshman at Xavier University, my roommate, Stacey, and I had a dry erase board on our dorm room door. Whenever we left, we’d pen a little note for each other, like “studying in the library” or “soccer practice” or “lifeguard shift.” I think it started out as just a friendly courtesy thing, but looking back, that was an excellent safety practice for those first few months living in a new place. If there would have been an emergency or one of us would have gone MIA for an unusual amount of time, our roommate would have at least known where to start looking. Other simple things you can do include letting your roommate/close friends know when you have a date and when you think you’ll be home. (You can always text them if your plans change.) And keep an eye on each other at parties. We’re not saying you have to be all up in each other’s business all the time or become the mother hen of your friend squad—this is all about just having each other’s backs.

We believe young women should be just as free as young men to go anywhere and do anything they please—on campus and off. We want you to live big and enjoy every moment of this exciting and transformative time in your life. And we think that two of the best ways for young women to feel confident and safe enough to do that is to educate ourselves about the realities and risks we face and to support each other.

We’re smart. We’re strong. We’ve got this.

—Lauren

Interested in a Campus Ready class but don’t see one on our workshop schedule right now? Drop us a line .

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels